I always had overweight problems that become really huge due to my parents help… they loved me a lot the way I was… at least my father… my mom was always criticizing me and my alienated behavior, she is still now.
When I was a teenager it became hell…
I wanted to look nice and pretty but I couldn’t because of my overweight and my horrible body. So you can’t find weird the fact that I started hating mirrors avoiding them everywhere! No mirrors, no photos… I felt the ugliest and most horrible thing in the world… all my high school friends where skinny and beautiful, they were fashionable and also popular, boys were always behind them… and I just felt better by dreaming of the day I became a beautiful and skinny woman…
In real life, I hated every time my mom took me for shopping, we couldn’t find absolutely nothing that fit me well, never! I had to use those big jeans size 16, big sweaters, old fashioned t-shirts… I thought it was completely a waste of time! My mood was from bad to worse because I had the company of my skinny and hot mom!
When I looked at me I only saw a really big watermelon as body with an ugly rotten melon as face, who couldn’t dress the way she liked, who would never looks stylish and glamorous, who nobody ever could love because of her condition, and of course as I felt like the worst crap in world, who could ever love me? And how could I dare to love somebody, nobody deserved my love
That’s how I felt for a long time… of course it was worst but i can’t find the words in English…
At that time I used to hate people, no trusting anybody, avoiding long term relationships (never had best friends), family get together, I was completely shy, coward, fearful… etc. My parents got really worried about my situation…
Suddenly something turned up and became the solution I was always looking for… that thing made me lose weight… from size 16 to a 10/8, can’t remember… and you could imagine how my life changed since that moment… it was like my rebirth… hahahah… My self esteem was through the roof!
Unfortunately the thing ran out and I didn’t have the necessary willpower to keep on with my new lifestyle.
3 years later here I am… Size 8 turned into 12 and I’ve started feeling the same way as before… My life sucks… maybe not professionally (in some way…) but sentimental… that makes me feel worst than before, is that I’m still being so ugly and fat? I have never had a boyfriend, nobody has ever kissed me and nobody has ever shown a bit of attraction towards me. Every day I ask myself why is that? Why nobody loves me that way? I feel lonely… then I remember that “Mr. right is just in the corner” or “somewhere is someone waiting for you” and all that stuff… but I think I’ m going to meet them in another life!
I want to lose weight again so that I could feel happy with myself again but that doesn’t assure I’m going to get a boyfriend or that somebody will finally love me… anyway… I’m trying to lose weight not having breakfast nor dinner, drinking a lot of water… it worked a week… then i get hungry again. The worst thing is that the more I eat, the guiltier I feel and the less things I do to lose weight… I always complain about my weight with my parents but I do nothing to change that.
That makes me feel really bad… the boyfriend stuff also makes me regress to my past low self esteem. I also think I’m old fashioned… all my friends have boyfriends, they talk about boy friend experiences, ex boy friends stuff, romantic moments… all that stuff… and I just close my mouth and bite my tongue… feeling worse inside.
My story has changed now. I have decided to live life the way it comes. I was motivated to do the extra and change the lives of people rather than living with the virus of depression. I started attending seminars on healthy living and also formed the habit of giving to the needy. I lift my shoulders high and people now feel I’m better than them… hahahaha… the want to be like me.
My advice is “Be yourself” and always have the BELIEF you are created in God’s image and likeness.